One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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