the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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