Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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