So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
