i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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