Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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