i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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