I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
