Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I need to calm my uterus...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
