I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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