Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
