A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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