Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
