i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
