I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
