last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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