They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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