Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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