Sorry, I don't speak sober.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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