I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
