I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
