apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
