if only i could text you this smell
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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