guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
