i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
