Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
