She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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