wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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