Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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