you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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