If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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