i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
