Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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