I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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