i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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