Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Everything about him screamed your future.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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