I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
