he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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