There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
