my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
