my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
