I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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