Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
