In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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