tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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