He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
