So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
