call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
