you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Nicole vs. Life
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
