so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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