Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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