TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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