he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
