I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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