you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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