if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
