you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
