God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
We smell like vodka and hangover
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