this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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