Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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