my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
