So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
