Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Randomize
